ePiSoDe 88: Witnessing Nothing

It's a shame that I fell off the proverbial wagon writing these things after doing so well for 2 1/2 years. Alas, constant jokes about self-abuse, semen and all things racist finally took its toll on my sanity and I lost it. Although, I didn't completely loose it in a celebrity kind of way, i.e;

'Look at me! I can't handle life because of all this pressure form being in the public eye, I need desperate help. I know, I’ll seek refuge within the public eye, that'll fix it'

As my career within digital marketing continues as I move on to pastures new, I'm beginning to subcutaneously catch myself reflecting on my life thus far. Having reached the position of an Account Manager (has nothing to do with accounting or anything else boring to that degree), I feel successful but not for the obvious reasons.

You see, life is a series of events and experiences, good and bad. It only becomes more interesting when the unexpected happens, making you question the morality of those previous experiences on whether they were truly good or bad. Case in point; between the age of 5-11, I attended the Jehovah Witnesses' Sunday service and mid week Bible study. Interestingly, despite never really having strong affinity for God, I remember thinking it was good experience around the age of 16 which nicely brings me to the point of this post:

Claiming to have the 'truth' and not being able to back it up in any form is a major no-no for me, especially when you organisation uses the word 'witness' within their name. Ever looked up the definition of the word 'witness', well here you go;

A witness is someone who has firsthand knowledge about an event, or in the criminal justice systems usually a crime, through his or her senses (e.g. seeing, hearing, smelling, touching) and can help certify important considerations about the crime or event. A witness who has seen the event first hand is known as an eyewitness. Witnesses are often called before a court of law to testify in trials.

Hmm, I'm sure no-one on their planet at this very moment was an eyewitness of has tangible firsthand knowledge of God. So its really deceptive to use the word 'witness' within the title of your organisation as young and stupid people like me would think it was the 'truth' and its not.

ePiSoDe 87: Too cool for school, the youth of today..

I've got to admit, despite constantly shaking my fist at the sky and wishing for the crash of civilisation as we know it, I cant quite put the HTC away; "Look! it's showing me the weather in Tokyo, how cool is that!"

So having admit that, I think I have every right to bitch about how these 'smart(ass)phones' are actually more of  a pain than anything else. And despite the ability to take a picture of your penis, crop it (ha) and post it on Twitter and Facebook in the matter of seconds, one mobile/smartphone feature that I never understood still seems to exist in most new handsets, begging the question;

"Mr HTC, Mr Nokia, Mr Samsung and Mr Apple, why do you continue to add speaker phone as a feature to your phones?" Why do I need to fucking hear (insert current music fad) latest song on fucking repeat whenever I unfortunately have to use public transport? Why would I possibly want to listen to your shitty, badly produced  untalented, repetitive, unimaginative and monotonous collection of sound waves that claims to be music.

I'm 25, I'm too old to put up with you, so next time I will stare directly into your eyes, and when you realise that I am looking at you and overreact by stabbing me with the nearest broken bottle, I'll curse Mr HTC, Mr Nokia, Mr Samsung and Mr Apple from the grave for adding a fucking speaker to 'smart(ass)phones' 

Loosely based on things that suck, I've been dying to share 2 quotes from the Twitter star Bree Olsen:

BreeOlson Bree Olson 

Got so drunk. Mexican took me on these trash bags fucked me. Left me laying there then about 10 of his friends came and fucked me too.

15 Jan

A day later.....

BreeOlson Bree Olson 

This one goes out to the one I love... This one goes out to the one I left behind...

16 Jan

Nuff said........

ePiSoDe 86: Why adaptations just don't work

Have you ever enjoyed a piece of cake so much that you would like to recreate it in a gas format so that more people could experience it? Of course not, because that my dear would be fucking stupid; stupid like guys who wear Emporio Armani tight white T-Shirts with unintelligible writing plaster all over it.

Can we simply stop all these 'live action' versions of our favourite show, book or game please. Purely from a a critique and adaptation perspective; I think we're all in agreement that they seem to completely miss the mark; just like cosplay by fat Americans.

I guess the issue is that the producer/screenwriter who wants to adapt the IP aren't doing so to explore the concept in a motion picture format, the primary reason for adaptation is to make money. Which, in its self, isn't a problem; who cares if Dragonball Evolution was a complete piece of shit for a film? I can still go home, pick up a copy of the Dragon Ball manga and be happy.

However, just because mainstream cinema has run out of ideas, does that give them any right to fuck up and sully the integrity of an entire franchise simply because they just didn't care enough to do it properly? The most insulting part however, is that they think that the existing fan base will go out to support the film simply because of the brand, and that doesn't happen because people who read the original book/manga or watched the anime/cartoon are smarter than the average X-Factor/Jersey Shore/The Hills and Glee watching dumb fuck audience.

Having said all of that from a business perspective, its genius; who cares if you piss off the fan base, you've generated a huge amount of income in a couple weeks from an established brand, and will again with the related merchandise and  home release. Also, the marketing and hype works for its self; fans will get wind of the adaptation and and blog/comment/tweet the hell out of it until its release.

You just need to sit back with your Barcardi Breezer in one hand and a wad of cash in the other, ignoring the unopened box containing the original source material of the film you just made sent from the original author.

Good bye fuckers!

ePiSoDe 85: middle class journalists need to shut the hell up

As it was Sunday, I decided to watch one of those horrible 'lets debate ethics, religion and society' TV shows. You know, the ones where they might have a Christian, Jew and Muslim dicussing the above in a accepting and peaceful manner.

So is it bad that all i want to see them do is pull out their prefered wepon and fight Battle Royal style? Its not that I don't want everyone to live in peace and touch each other up, but I thought the whole point of accepting faith is to ignore all others (cough, and reason, cough)? Isn't that the concept of Dogma? So why are these people pretending to get along on these leather sofas?

Come on people, stand up for your backwards superstitious beliefs and lets get ready to rumble! Muslim guy, don't let that Christian talk about Jesus as if he was a Jew, you know he was a Muslim, Spinning bird kick him in the face. Jewish dude, that Christian guy said that Jesus was the son of God, Shinku Hadoken his ass.

However, my main issue with these types of shows are the non-religious person of the panel because most of the time, they end up being some female middle class journalist from some celebrity or lifestyle magazine who's concept of  hardship is watching the all black cast of The Cat On the Hot Tin Roof.

Seriously, your opinion has no relevance for the majority of the working society, you write for a living, you write about other people's lives for a living, you get paid an an obscene amount of money to write about other people's lives for a living.

Fuck you writers, fuck you and your undergraduate degree in media, fuck you and your snooty 'i have a bottle of red with every meal' attitude, fuck you and your 'videogames are stupid, but Facebok's Farmville is great!

ePiSoDe 84: Scarlett Johansson or a year supply of bread?

I can't remember how we got to this question in our random discussions on morality, society and the human condidtion, but it begs a well thought out answer in my opinion:

Scarlett Johansson or a year supply of bread?

On the one hand, Scarlett Johansson is absolutely gorgeous and any man/women would be proud of the statement: 'i've tapped Scarlett Johansson, now what do i do with my life?' Not only that, she's a good actress, and to this day, i think she would have made a better Mary Jane in the Spiderman movies than that awful Kirsten Dunst.

But then again, it's a year supply of bread people! Just think of all the time you could save by not having to go and buy bread, hell, you could spend that free time thinking about Scarlett Johansson while eating bread.